Is your child struggling to make friends after moving to Canada? If so, know that this is more common than it may seem.
Moving to a new country can be an exciting experience for a family, but that does not mean it comes without challenges. One challenge that many parents notice is seeing a child who had many friends in their country of origin and seemed socially confident suddenly become quieter, more insecure, or even more nervous in social situations.
For example, a child who had friends in Brazil, Portugal, China, Italy, or another country may arrive in Canada and encounter a very different social environment.
Parents may start wondering: Is my child shy? Do they lack social skills? Is something wrong?For some parents, seeing their child struggle socially can even contribute to doubts or regret about the decision to move.
However, it is important to understand that these social difficulties are not necessarily the result of a lack of skills. Your child may simply be learning how to navigate a new social reality and a different cultural environment.
Social skills do not happen in a cultural vacuum
When children move to another country, there is a lot for them to adjust to: a new school, new routines, sometimes a new language, and many social rules that are unwritten and far from obvious.
How do you join a group of children who already know each other and are playing together? How do you enter a conversation about places, activities, or experiences you have never had? What kinds of jokes make sense in this new culture? How do people disagree with each other, and what tone is considered appropriate? What behaviours might make it easier to be accepted by peers — or make connection more difficult?
These things may sound simple, but there can be significant cultural differences in how social interactions happen.
Research can help us understand this. Chen and colleagues studied 2,263 children between the ages of 9 and 12 from Brazil, Canada, China, and Italy. They examined loneliness and different aspects of children’s social adjustment. Their findings showed both similarities and differences across cultures in how social behaviours were related to loneliness and peer relationships. One important message from this research is that children’s social experiences need to be understood within their cultural context.
“But my child had so many friends before we moved.”
This can be particularly confusing for parents. Imagine a child who recently moved from Brazil to Canada. In Brazil, this child had many friends, was playful, knew how to join games, and easily entered conversations. After moving, the same child suddenly seems shy and more distant.
The child may simply need more time to observe how children interact before feeling comfortable joining a group. They may need time, support, and reassurance that this adjustment does not have to happen immediately. They may worry about saying the wrong thing, whether their humour will be understood, or how other children will respond.
From the outside, this can look like shyness or a lack of social skills. But the child has not necessarily lost their social abilities. They may actually be observing the environment and learning how to adapt the social skills they already have to a new context.
Culture can influence children’s social experiences
Another study from the same larger cross-cultural research project also helps illustrate how children’s social and emotional development may look different across cultural settings.
Research involving children from Brazil, Ontario, China, and Italy examined family relationships and children’s social and emotional adjustment. Although researchers found many similarities in the relationship between parental warmth and children’s well-being, they also identified differences across cultural contexts.
This does not mean that one culture is better than another.Instead, these differences can help us understand that social competence develops within a particular environment. Different behaviours may be encouraged, interpreted, or reinforced differently depending on the context.
For immigrant children, moving to another country may therefore involve learning an entirely new social system — alongside adjusting to a new school, new routines, a new community, and sometimes a new language.
Does my child need social skills support or just more time to adjust?
This is another common question, and there is no single answer.
Some children may simply need more time and repeated opportunities to become familiar with their new environment. During this process, parents may also need to manage their own anxiety. It can be difficult to watch your child struggle socially, especially when you do not fully understand why something that used to come easily has suddenly become difficult.
Other children may benefit from more direct support in learning or practising skills such as:
- starting conversations;
- joining a group that is already playing;
- expressing thoughts and needs assertively;
- understanding social cues;
- managing social anxiety;
- dealing with rejection or conflict.
And sometimes both things are happening at the same time. A child may be adjusting to a new culture while also benefiting from specific support to strengthen certain social skills.
The most important thing is to understand the child’s experience in context rather than immediately assuming that being quieter or having difficulty making friends means that something more serious is wrong.
Sometimes professional support can also help families understand and normalize this adjustment process while identifying whether there are specific skills or emotional difficulties that would benefit from additional support.